Dress Appropriately

German marked my first foreign-language class in sixth grade, and perhaps my first experience with social pressure.

Frau Wied assigned us the task of choosing our German names. This would become the name she would call us throughout the year during class. And, as it turned out, in the halls.

She handed out a xeroxed list of names separated into “ein Junge” and “Mädchen”. I scanned the list of names like an expectant mother 4,400 miles away in Berlin. Though, as a sixth grader on the first day of middle school, it’s hard to say whose stakes felt higher.

Many of the other kids in my class had gone to the elementary school with the advanced learning program. To this day, I am unclear of how my classmates wound up in the advanced program so early, as I had made my way into the advanced classes in sixth grade under suspicious circumstances.

A broken right wrist prevented me from filling in the Scantron bubbles on the IOWA Basic test we were required to take to measure our skills against the rest of the nation. Because of my injury, a teaching assistant sat with me to fill in the bubbles of the answers I selected. 

Was it pure intelligence that allowed me to score in the 98th percentile, or the teaching assistant’s terrible poker face when I attempted to pick the incorrect answer?

The world will never know.

Regardless, it landed me in a classroom, staring at a list of German names, trying to pick the “coolest” one because my friends already had their German names from their elementary school class.

Dieter, Günther, Helmut, Wolfgang, are you kidding me?! Stefan. Stefan! That’s my best friend’s name in New York. I looked at the chalkboard, and someone had taken the name. 

I chose Felix because I used to watch Felix the Cat. How inspired. 

Yet, it wasn’t as cool as the names my friends had. 

Their names fit them like a tailored suit. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, tugging at my waistband and shifting in my seat, all too aware that ‘Felix’ fit me as poorly as the Eddie Bauer khakis my mom bought me for the new school year.

It was in this class that I, Felix, first learned of the Holocaust and the atrocities committed by the Nazis during World War Two. 

Adults forget what it was like to learn about these things. Remembering the facts is easier than remembering the emotion and confusion stirred inside as the details piled up in front of us like bodies in mass graves. Papers, stars, hiding, trains, abuse, starvation, and death. It’s so much to absorb, even as an adult.

We forget the bump of adrenaline when the emotion enters the room, when the teacher’s solemn mood hushes the class, and we understand that now is not the time for jackassery.

The lights go out, and the faces of twelve-year-olds glow in the black-and-white footage from five lifetimes ago playing on the oversized tube TV, rolled in on an old metal cart. Soldiers on a beach, a furious man with a mustache yelling at a podium, rubble, terrified faces, shaved heads, and so many dead bodies.

When the video ends and the lights turn back on, the teacher wipes a final tear from their cheek. 

What made it challenging is we had no frame of reference. These stories played like pure fiction or something that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Which makes sense given we were also taught about the heroic American effort during World War Two. We learned how the bravest generation volunteered to cross the Atlantic to defeat those evil forces and hold them accountable for their actions.

And at the end of the day, when the bell rang, we went home and fell into a peaceful slumber because we live in America. The land of the free and home of the brave. Nothing like that will ever happen here.

Too bad the history curriculum didn’t focus more on the 1930s in Germany to find out how the fuck they ended up how they did. The beginning isn’t nearly as interesting as the end. The deliberate legal plotting of Gleichschaltung turned neighbors against each other through policy and social pressure. The average person didn’t realize they were a frog in a pot of water being slowly brought to a boil.

We are plagued by people who have given up their critical thinking skills.

We have become addicted to the confirmation bias found within our chosen echo chambers, unable to face the discomfort of breaking free for a moment because doing so would make falling asleep at night a little more challenging. 

Thinking of neighbors being pulled from their homes in the freezing cold isn’t conducive to the peaceful slumbers we’re used to getting in the United States of America.

In my state of Minnesota, thirty minutes from my home, a masked federal agent shot Renee Good in the face three times, in broad daylight, in front of witnesses, and filmed from more vantage points than even Oliver Stone could have conceived of. 

Yet, people refuse to watch it and instead regurgitate the opinions they see on TV. Somehow, ignoring the document they claim to hold above all, the Constitution.

On Friday, January 16th—my daughter’s birthday — we went out to dinner in Maple Grove, MN. 

We looked out the glass doors of our restaurant to the street as we waited for our table. We could see a restaurant and a bank across the street, along with some retail shops. A fresh coating of light snow blanketed the sidewalk. An unmarked SUV with blue and red lights flashing in the rear window sat parked in the street, unattended. I exchanged a worried glance with my wife.

We both started from a rational place. Probably just an unmarked police car or security investigating an alarm. It was 6:30 in suburbia for Christ’s sake. 

The faint sound of car horns out on the street, which has quickly become the signal of the government’s abuse of power in Minnesota, began. ICE was across the street, surrounding a restaurant to detain the “criminals” who were in the middle of their shift serving people like me. Families celebrating birthdays or anniversaries.

@thugginluv97

Ice raided the restaurant I work in. A troubling time we are in, and a reminder to share as much resources as we can and to defend each other. Cops was called and they did nothing! But protestors arrived and they helped these ppl get away. All we have is ourselves rn. #MN #ice #community

♬ original sound – C.U comedy

“Tim, your table is ready.”

I tried to focus on my family, on my daughter, and not on the possibility that the state was tearing someone away from their life and family, or masked men walking through her birthday dinner en route to the kitchen. Shame bubbled up inside me.

That’s the point, though, isn’t it? You don’t need to be terrified to be terrorized. It’s the chaos and uncertainty. They are counting on people to go along to get along.

I’ve had enough. This isn’t a difference of opinion on policy, Democrat versus Republican. This is right and wrong. How can people claim these ICE agents are “just doing their job” or “this would all be over if people would just comply”?

I can’t. As a son of a veteran of Vietnam and the grandson of a veteran and Purple Heart recipient in World War II, I learned this is the exact behavior they swore to protect the country from.

There are some who didn’t anticipate the call of tyranny and oppression coming from inside the house. 

I wrote an open letter to my eight-month-old son when Donald Trump was elected to his first term. I remember being nervous to share it with the world, but more so with my friends and family. It was clear to me a decade ago who he is, but did I want to risk relationships in the name of politics?

This is how Gleichschaltung works. They don’t need me to be on board; they just need me to be quiet.

Maybe you voted for the people who are ignoring our Constitution, and that’s okay.

Now, however, we must all wake up and say, “No,” because if we accept this unconstitutional abuse of power, who will be targeted next?

We are seeing the good people of Minnesota on the streets of Minneapolis saying, “No.” We are seeing people who recognize the pot of water as the trap it is.

Wake up. Pay attention. Watch the videos and ask yourself: Do these people look like dangerous criminals?

As the country prepares for a historic cold front of ice and snow, it is the hand of tyranny grasping for control. 

Dress appropriately, Minnesotans will.



School Drop-Off, Instant Karma

I can’t bear to send my kids outside to the bus on bitter Minnesota mornings. Maybe it’s guilt, perhaps pity—probably both. Either way, if I decide it’s too cold, I announce I will take them to school, scoffing at the idea of forcing them to walk. 

The universe seeks balance.

Cheers.



Spilled Milk

I’ll never understand why I’m asked if I want my milk in a bag when the gallon jug has a built-in handle.

Because there isn’t any use crying over spilled milk.

Cheers.

Milk Mustache Cheers! from Spilled Milk by Tim Severson | www.timtalks.net


Wicked Trips to the Movies

We saw Wicked on Friday night, opening weekend. We bought our tickets for seven adults and three children three weeks in advance. The excitement in our house grew with each passing day.

Going to the movie theater was a pastime for my wife and me for sixteen years before our first child was born. We went to the movies so often that we would drive to theaters further away solely for the change of scenery.

After March 2016, boom, we were done going to the movies.

Our children are now movie-going age at eight and five years old, which means…

We’re back, baby!

We were pleasantly surprised to find that fresh-popped popcorn, sticky floors, and apathetic teenage employees—all of our favorite staples—remained the same as they were in 2016. Outside of that, there is nothing but improvements: the screens are giant, the seats are like beds, and they serve cocktails.

Having children means we may not go to the movies we want to see, but while much has been said about the golden age of television, children’s movies are also having a fantastic run. From the non-stop stream of hits from Pixar to unexpected gems like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem and Transformers One, there is no shortage of movies made to entertain both kids and adults.

Some of my favorite movies from the past decade are children’s movies.

As parents, we sometimes forget that our kids don’t yet feel the dopamine rush we get when walking into a movie theater lobby. That familiar smell of popcorn and the hum of excitement in the air is all new to them.

We’re building the foundation of their nostalgia, which can feel overwhelming when planning even semi-special events like a trip to the movies.

But here’s the thing: you can decide how to spend your emotional energy. Go into it with enthusiasm, which is easier even on the worst days because you’re about to get an hour and a half of rest as long as you set it up for success.

You may be thinking movies are expensive. They can be, and we’ll get to that, but stay with me here.

Pay attention to your theater’s deals. Matinees are a surefire way to save, but check if they have weekday specials. Our local theater has $5 tickets all day on Tuesdays.

Build anticipation in the days leading up to the movie. Tell your kids you’re excited about it at unexpected times with genuine enthusiasm. Jenni and I typically break into spontaneous songs or chants, but you do you.

Bring blankets. While being cozy is nice, that’s not the main reason for this tip.

Frequent trips to the theater are key to building that cinema magic you want your kids to feel one day. However, the amount of money your children could spend at a concession stand is staggering.

Make sure everyone is fed before you leave the house, and head out ten minutes earlier than usual. Use the extra time to stop somewhere for a reasonably priced treat to sneak into the theater. The first time I did this with my kids, I left Target with a Kinder Egg and a pack of gum.

This is where the blanket comes in. It’s the metaphorical cake to hide your file—aka the pre-bought treat. Remind your children that it’s of the utmost importance that no one in the lobby even suspects contraband is wrapped in the Paw Patrol blanket. They get a thrill; we save money.

My son even put on a ruse while we were in line to get popcorn, illegal candy securely wrapped in a plush blanket.

“Daddy, I don’t need candy this time.” He looked at me with a knowing smile, proud of his acting performance.

And, yes, we were buying popcorn and a couple of drinks. As far as Jenni is concerned, popcorn is part of the admission price. This is why the candy subterfuge is a moral gray area I’m comfortable with. Take this as your invitation to live on the wild side.

All of this amounts to more fun and less whining.

There are some movies that need a little extra magic.

There are the movies we know our families will love, but my favorite thing about going to the movies now is the genuine excitement on my kids’ faces when a trailer for an unexpected film comes on the screen. Plus, you now have an accessible event to look forward to and get excited about as a family. It’s also handy for distracting from the various “no’s” you’ll have to hand out in the meantime.

We went all out for Wicked. My daughter, Clementine, counted down the days—not just to see the movie but mostly to wear her new Wicked dress. The rest of us bought apparel from the movie as well. I chose Wicked Sour Gummies as our smuggled treat.

The movie did not disappoint.

Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande both deliver fantastic performances with their acting and vocals. Delivering at their level is no easy feat, given how beloved the Broadway play is and how iconic the original performances by Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel are.

While some might be annoyed by the movie’s length (2 hours 40 minutes) or the fact that it’s not the full story, I’d argue those people are not fans of Wicked, musicals, or both. If you are a fan of either, however, Wicked will meet your expectations.

The adaptation from stage to screen hits the mark while taking creative risks to make the movie visually stunning. It seems as though director Jon Chu may have found his niche in bringing stage musicals to the screen. He had previous success with Lin Manuel Miranda’s In The Heights in 2021 and is currently working on an adaptation of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Wicked is rated PG, so most kids will handle it fine. That said, there are flying monkeys—different from the originals, but equally terrifying. To be clear, that’s my adult perspective. Monkeys shouldn’t have wings.

If you want more about our trip to Wicked make sure to check out Wicked, Football, & A New Holiday | The Kids Are In Bed Ep 43.

The point is, don’t wait for the magic to come to you. I’m as guilty as any parent of thinking I need to put in maximum effort to make my kids behave and have fun, only to decide I don’t have the energy to do anything because… well, life. Then I go to bed feeling guilty, like I have no magic to give.

When you feel like that, remember the words of Glinda from The Wizard of Oz:

“You’ve always had the power, my dear. You’ve had it all along.”

Sprinkle a little enthusiasm on the mundane. Your kids will show you the magic.

Unaccompanied Minor, Lifelong Friend

Click the play button above to listen to the audio. Images and a video enhance the story below.

“At this time, we’d like to welcome customers needing assistance or additional assistance to board.”

That announcement was my least favorite part of traveling alone as a child for various reasons—primarily because of how singled out it made me.

I could feel strangers’ eyes on me as an airline employee walked me to the gate, ensuring I wasn’t lost in transit. I wondered what stories they concocted about a thirteen-year-old traveling alone from Syracuse, NY, to Minneapolis, MN.

The freedom that comes along with a trip alone halfway across the country—with a layover in Detroit—gives a teenager in the throes of puberty a high unlike any other.

Decked out in K-Swiss kicks, baggy Tommy Hilfiger carpenter shorts with a braided belt, a matching Hilfiger tee, a puka shell necklace, an overwhelming amount of Hilfiger cologne, and a Discman clutched in my hand—I did my best to look important. I was oblivious to the fact that each attempt to mask my teenage awkwardness only highlighted it further.

I spent my first seven years in upstate New York, where I met my oldest friend. He lived two blocks away in the small town of Ogdensburg, on the shore of the St. Lawrence River—a river that became our playground.

When I moved to Minnesota, staying in touch with him wasn’t easy. We were learning to read and write then, and long-distance phone calls in the ’90s were more expensive than a plane ticket—or so my parents insisted.

A summer trip became a tradition.

Often, I would fly out with my parents. They would stay for a week and then head back to Minnesota, while I remained in New York, halfway across the country (you’ve gotta love the nineties), for an additional week and then flew home as an unaccompanied minor.

I much preferred the latter since my parents turned into different people when they got within five miles of an airport—and this was pre-9/11.

We would spend our days swimming in the frigid, crystal-clear blue water of the St. Lawrence River until we were too exhausted to fight the current.

We would shove peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into our mouths in wet swimsuits, forming wet spots on the carpet as we rewatched our favorite movies from the limited selection of VHS tapes at camp, with the distant sound of boats coming from the river.

For my Midwestern friends: camp = cabin.

One summer, we watched Forrest Gump at least once a day for two weeks. It turns out that this does little for a person. Well, aside from making them irritating to servers at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. when you suggest their trivia questions aren’t challenging enough by throwing trivia questions back at them.

On rainy days, we played board games whose boxes were disintegrating due to humidity and years of use.

We skipped rocks, perfected ’N Sync dances, roasted marshmallows, and memorized the lyrics to “Summer Girls” by LFO.

As LFO would say, “I think about that summer, and I bug ’cause I miss it.”

As we grew up, he began taking trips to Minnesota.

Impossibly, we both found our footing immediately within each other’s friend groups. These microbursts of time allowed us to be a better version of ourselves, free from the insecurities that plagued us in school with our day-to-day friends.

I felt exotic. Girls giggled when a Minnesota “oh” would come through in words like “boat.” People were interested in me instantly, so the most challenging part of making friends—breaking the ice—was eliminated.

The distance didn’t stop me from crushing on girls from both states, adding hormone-fueled excitement to my trips.

Year after year, we would pack the best summer we could imagine into less than two weeks.

That’s another reason I despised hearing that boarding call at the gate.

It was then that a lump formed in my throat, and tears stung my eyes—another perfect summer vacation had ended.

I began questioning how long our friendship would last as I got older. The question was undoubtedly brought on by jealousy, as solid friendships formed with others over the fifty weeks we weren’t together each year.

“Singing in My Sleep” by Semisonic played through my headphones as I took my seat on the plane. The melody of that song brings me back to that tarmac every time I hear it.

For that, I have my best friend’s mom to thank. She always sent me home with a gift, often hidden in my suitcase. This year, she gave me Feeling Strangely Fine by Semisonic, an album I adore to this day.

I was thumbing through coins in my hand when my seatmate, a white-haired woman who smelled like peppermint, sat down next to me. I smiled and went back to examining a Canadian toonie.

Yes, the two-dollar coin is actually called a “toonie.” Oh, Canada—never change.

“Do you know how many animals are on that coin?” she said, buckling her seat belt.

“One?” I studied the scenery around the polar bear on the back of the coin, thinking I’d find a bird flying in the background.

“Six.” She raised her eyebrows as her red lipstick formed a smirk.

I gave her a skeptical smile back. She held out her hand for the coin.

Canadian Toonie Friend
Canadian Toonie

“Everyone can see the polar bear, but if you turn the coin upside down”—she spun the coin in her hand and covered the bottom half with her thumb—“cover the bear’s body… There. The bear’s legs turn into four seals.”

Canadian toonie modified to show 4 seals Friend
Hidden Seals

“That’s pretty cool.” I adjusted in my seat, interested in where the sixth animal would come from.

She held the coin back in her palm and gave it a quarter turn. She picked it up, covering the bear’s head and forelegs with her thumb.

“And the tyrannosaurus rex makes six. Some people think it looks like the T-Rex is eating a seal, and that makes seven, but I’ll leave that up to you.”

Canadian Toonie modified to show T-Rex - Friend
Hidden T-Rex

She was a gift from the universe. I shudder to think what that plane ride would’ve been like if I’d been left alone to brood in my teenage angst.

We talked to each other most of the flight, and she distracted me from wondering if the next trip would be the one when it didn’t click—if it would be the meeting when we discovered that the ember that kept our friendship going had been extinguished. I would catalog new things I liked or new hobbies I’d developed and wonder if those would be the things that would fracture our friendship.

On the second leg of my trip, it was clear the universe wasn’t done with me. My seatmate turned out to be a twenty-something woman traveling the world on her way to California. She had a worn backpack adorned with patches and keychains. Her chocolate hair was wrapped up in a messy bun. She told me about her globe-trotting adventures in her French accent.

Our conversation began when I showed her the number of animals on the back of a toonie.

A real toonie, for one.

Of course, that trip was not the last good one. The tradition of making sure we see each other at least once a year has continued through middle school, junior high, high school, college, jobs, and kids from halfway across the country.

This year has been hectic with life changes for both of us, so it seemed that meeting wasn’t in the cards.

On a chilly, sun-filled Friday morning in October in Minnesota, I was forcing my wife to watch videos my friend and I had filmed of ourselves and texted to each other earlier that week. She stood in our entryway, confused as she tried to identify the humor in the videos.

We were getting ready to walk out the door to get a coffee as I talked about how much I loved that he and I recorded goofy videos for each other.

Then the doorbell rang.

A man with a beard, camo hat, and Spirit Halloween bag stood on my front deck as my wife flattened herself against the wall to avoid being seen.

I would have been up against the wall nine times out of ten with her, but this looked like nothing more than a delivery—not someone trying to sell me a Kirby vacuum.

I greeted the man, who was distracted by his phone. I regretted opening the door, but he finally looked up, pulled down his fake beard, and revealed a familiar grin.

The Surprise

Not many people can honestly say they have had a friend their entire life.

I can.

He was there when I was born and has remained a constant—a source of laughter and advice.

Some friendships endure because both people work at it, and others just are.

I’ve sat at the end of a dock—listening to the water of the St. Lawrence River flow by, drinking beer and talking until the sun starts to come up—long enough to know our friendship is the latter.

As I watched the hours tick down on the final day of his most recent visit, dreading every passing minute, I tried to reframe the situation.

I always thought of the boarding announcements at the airport as the end of a good time.

I spun that thought around, just like the woman had shown me with the toonie, and looked at it from a new perspective. The announcements did not ask me to board a flight traveling away from a good time; they were taking me to the next one.

So I wait, never wholly rid of the fear that the next meeting will be when things don’t click—until we meet again, and they do.

And all is well.

Cheers.

Next Stop 40: The Train of Life

Click Play Above to Listen

Good, but not great; decent, but not bad. If my life were a train ride, I’d say I’ve spent forty years rumbling along the tracks, unsure of where I’m headed but always moving forward. My journey has been filled with missed stops, unexpected detours, and many freight cars packed with regrets trailing behind me.

As a tween and teenager, I found myself at Spencer’s Gifts in every mall that had one, always eager for an escape from that train ride. Spencer’s was the store equivalent of jumping off the tracks and sneaking into an R-rated movie before you were of legal age. They were famous for their posters, graphic T-shirts, blacklight-themed decor, and cashiers who sported their best Goth look while being irritated with every customer’s audacity to breathe the same oxygen.

Old habits die hard, of course, so this past spring, when I came across a Spencer’s, I had no choice but to check out how the store has evolved since the late twentieth century.

One of the first graphic tees I saw hanging on the wall was bright red with white lettering, which read: “Don’t Bully Me, I’ll Cum.” It may be the best shirt I’ve seen in my forty years.

I was there to find a specific section I remember from my teenage years, so I browsed the store while “Believe” by Disturbed played over the speakers. I paused momentarily to confirm that my jeans hadn’t turned into the baggy, carpenter jeans designed by Tommy Hilfiger I wore in the late nineties.

As I wandered through Spencer’s, it felt like I had stopped the train for a moment, stepping back into a time when I was blissfully unaware of how fast that train would start picking up speed. I came across the posters, which, to my pleasant surprise, have yet to be updated since the early 2000s. There were posters of the Playboy logo, Scarface, Pulp Fiction, 2Pac, Sublime, The Smashing Pumpkins, and the timeless Pink Floyd “Back Catalogue.”

The blacklight section is still adorned with blacklight mushroom candles and sculptures positioned directly next to the lava lamps.

As I continued searching for the section I was looking for, I came to the store’s back wall, and I froze as I took it all in, mouth and eyes both open wide.

“Do you want me to get something down for you?”

“What? No. No. No, thank you. Just lookin’,” I said to the twenty-year-old sales associate as she glared at me with a look aimed at informing me I had indeed been breathing too much of her oxygen.

The back wall of Spencer’s was adorned with hundreds of sex toys ranging in sizes from beginner to, err, expert(?).

I turned my back to the wall of sex and was faced with the novelty bachelor/bachelorette party gifts. While turning to stare at gummies and straws in the shape of penises wasn’t the exact escape I was looking for, it was an improvement from having a twenty-year-old offer to get a giant dildo down from the top row of the sex wall.

I found the remnants of the section I was looking for next to the “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game.

There was a tiara with “Birthday Bitch” on it, a shot glass with the words “Birthday Bitch” printed on it, and a glitter-colored wine glass that read “Birthday Bitch.”

In high school, the birthday section was stocked with “over-the-hill” gag gifts full of sophomoric humor. I remember seeing a cane with a horn attached to the handle and emergency adult diapers packaged behind a thin piece of plastic with “In Case Of Emergency, Break Glass.” These products were not as sophisticated as adding “Birthday Bitch” to drinkware, but they can’t all be winners.

As I laughed at jokes built from the lowest common denominator with my friends, I would also imagine my life when I turned forty.

Where will I be living? Will I have any of the same friends? Will I have children? What will my hair look like? These are the thoughts that would run through my mind as I rode along the train tracks of youth, oblivious to the steep hills and sharp turns ahead.

I would never have a specific goal in mind because my perception of life has been that I am on a train driven by an unknown conductor headed to an unknown destination. If I am kind, polite, and well-behaved, the conductor will give me a little extra time at stops along the way and, at minimum, will keep the bar cart sufficiently stocked.

Regrets? They fill the freight cars added to the end of my train, trailing behind as I ride the iron rails of this journey through life. Those cars are heavy and without brakes. They make the climb up hills taxing and the trips down perilous. The heaviest car among them is filled with the realization that I could’ve taken the highway.

When the tracks run parallel, I often find myself in my observation car, face pressed to the glass in awe at the freedom people in their vehicles have to stop at roadside attractions or take an exit they hadn’t planned.

If only someone would have written a song in the early nineties informing me that life is, in fact, a highway.

As I imagined my forty-year-old self in a dimly lit store reading gag birthday cards about impotence, I felt desperation for the confidence and knowledge that comes with being that old. I longed for a “boring” life as an adult filled with more certainty than uncertainty.

I wish so desperately that I was writing to inform you that I have finally made it. I would tell you this piece was written from a place of certainty and peace about the man I have become. I’d say to you that those silly self-conscious thoughts were due to the hormones racing through my body, and I am comfortable with myself.

I might make fun of myself for caring so deeply about what people thought of me, both in appearance and as a person. Or, I’d write out prolific life lessons I’ve gotten along the way that would provide you with an unexpected “aha” moment, leading to the last change you needed to round out your already wonderful life.

Instead, while my body has not escaped the effects of the passage of time, my brain hasn’t aged a day.

I know this because I am desperate for your approval, literally. All I want to do right now is give up and leave the words I have written saved in a document as “Untitled 11.” As a forty-year-old, I live my life desperate for a like or share on social media or even a minor compliment as a clue I haven’t completely fucked up my entire life by believing I could make a career from writing.

When those feelings bubble up, my train can become a lonely place. The dark outside makes it difficult to believe I am heading in the right direction. My instincts tell me to pull the emergency brake and get off before the entire thing derails.

Every time I reach for the brake, I am stopped.

The one thing my teenage self was sure of was that my train ride would be much more fun if I had someone on board with me.

Her name is Jenni, and I asked her aboard at 8:05 AM on October 8, 1999.

I couldn’t believe she got on then, and every day, I am equally astonished that she is still here. Because, of course, she doesn’t belong here. She should be on the highway or up in the air on one of those jets I see soaring in all directions.

Yet, no matter how many times I have pointed out these superior options to her over the past twenty-five years, she tells me she loves our train.

She stokes the burners when those cars full of regret start to slow us down. When we sit beside each other in the observation car, she points out the beautiful scenery past the highway. And when we head to the bar car, she makes the people on the road wish they were on our train.

Regardless of how many cars full of regret I have acquired over the years, I would still walk back down the mountains and valleys, through storms and sunshine, and across the two-and-a-half decades to find my fifteen-year-old self and hug him.

I’d hug him because having the courage to ask Jenni aboard this train feels like the most crucial decision of my life.

Tim & Jenni: Prom 2003, Wedding 2008, TeamWomen WaveMaker Awards 2024 | Next Stop 40: The Train of Life by Tim Severson
Tim & Jenni: Prom 2003, Wedding 2008, TeamWomen WaveMaker Awards 2024

Over the past twenty-five years, she has brought me our two wonderful children, millions of smiles and laughs, and got me through some of the darkest times of my life.

I apologize if you came here looking for the answers about being an adult I was starving to find inside Spencer’s gifts all those years ago. I wish I had a manual or even the hubris to pretend I have the wisdom to write one, but I don’t.

All I’ve got is this:

However, you choose to travel through this life, whether by plane, train, or automobile, don’t do it alone.

Do it with someone who laughs with you. Do it with someone who cries with you. Do it with the person who knows moving forward is just as important, if not more so, than moving in the exact right direction.

My beard has white hair now, I think hard before doing any physical activity, and I have started to squint while trying to read a menu in a dimly lit restaurant.

But when I look into Jenni’s eyes and she smiles at me, I am a fifteen-year-old again whispering, “Will you go out with me?” into her ear.

Twenty-five years later, if I shut my eyes and listen hard, I can still hear the echo of her whispering, “Yes.”

New trains with faster engines and modern accommodations leave the station every day. It’s easy to watch them zip by and think the trip would be better on a new train.

However, if I do have a bit of wisdom from these forty years, it’s that each time I have taken an opportunity to tour these trains to see what I’m missing, I walk away muttering a phrase only an old guy would coin:

“They sure don’t make ‘em like they used to.”

So, if you need us, we’ll be in the bar car dancing to and singing our favorite songs. We won’t know where we’re headed, but everyone is welcome, and Jenni will make sure it’s the ride of your life.

Cheers.

Team Woman

There are the nights you anticipate, knowing it will be unforgettable. Then, there are the nights that surpass your expectations. On the latter of those nights, the gravity of the experience steals your breath as you realize you are living one of those nights. 

In that moment of realization, time slows down. Everything sharpens: the features on the faces around you are more vivid, and their chatter and laughter are more melodic.

I had a night like this at the TeamWomen WaveMaker Awards

My wife, Jenni, has been a member of TeamWomen since 2018. 

“TeamWomen is a non-profit that helps women and girls connect with their inner confidence and realize a career potential they may not have thought possible.”

Since 2018, I have observed a marked shift in Jenni’s attitude and drive. I might have attributed this growth to the wisdom and experience that come along with years of hard work, but after attending the WaveMaker Awards, I realized there was more to it.

I nominated Jenni for the Community Impact Award, given to women who make giving back to the community and/or youth a top priority in ways that promote the development of others, either through their work or through volunteer efforts. I nominated her because it is astonishing how much of her time Jenni dedicates to various organizations while caring for our family. 

When I opened my email on July 12th and saw Jenni had won, my reaction was more relief than shock. 

Whenever I tell her, “You are absolutely stunning,” or, “You are so talented,” her response is always the same.

“You have to say that because you love me.”

My desperation for acknowledgment of her hard work had been growing as I watched her excel professionally, complete her Bachelor’s Degree from the University of Minnesota, serve on multiple boards, all while dazzling everyone she meets. 

In other words, it was about damn time.

Having never attended a TeamWomen event before the awards ceremony, I didn’t know what to expect. All I knew was that Jenni would receive an award and have a minute on the stage to dazzle the crowd with her charm and intelligence – and I couldn’t wait.

As we entered the elegant ballroom adorned with ornate furniture and gorgeous chandeliers, the buzz of the attendees was palpable. Everyone I spoke with was kind and inviting. 

We sat down for the ceremony honoring twenty-two women who would be awarded awards across various categories throughout the evening. Each was given a minute to answer a pre-selected question on stage. 

Throughout the ceremony, I was in awe of the women who walked across the stage. Each came from vastly different backgrounds and shared unique stories, yet they were all impressive. Entrepreneurs, C-Suite Executives, volunteers, and even a high school senior all shared valuable insights about their journeys. However, it wasn’t their accomplishments that made them impressive; instead, it is the thing every honoree had in common: their spirit and drive. 

At some point, all of these incredible women have been given the message (directly or indirectly) that they didn’t belong because they were women.

And yet, they persisted.

My heart swelled as I sat with our 5-year-old daughter, listening to the empowering stories of women who got what they wanted because they didn’t quit and found a supportive community to give them the help they needed when they needed it most. 

“Two more women, then it’s Mommy’s turn,” she whispered to me as she followed along with the ceremony program in her hand.

She beamed at me when her mother graced the stage in her elegant floral patterned dress, looking the part of an award winner. The emcee asked her the pre-selected question…

And Jenni absolutely killed it.

It would be easy to assume she always accepts awards if you didn’t know her. She spoke with poise and drew everyone in. She told a joke that not only got laughs but got an applause break as well. Tears welled in my eyes as she spoke. 

Fortunately for my ego, they started to play her off as she began to mention me. 

Now, if she had been talking about anything else, I would have gone to the sound booth and clarified to the person running the controls that my wife would get as much time on stage as she needed. 

However, it felt merciful when the music started, just as she began to mention me. There is only so much public crying a guy can make it through, you know?

It’s something special to watch someone in their element. It’s even more remarkable when that person is your spouse. 

Watching Jenni work a networking room is like watching a prolific artist paint.  Her tools become extensions of herself, and every interaction seems effortless.

On these nights, I watch her from across the room. No matter the distance, I see the sparkle in her eye, hear the pitch of her laughter amid the crowd, and fall in love all over again as she makes others fall in love with her. 

Thank you, TeamWomen, for providing a place for Jenni to thrive. Thank you for offering a place for our daughter to see that all options are on the table for her in this life. Whether she wants to open and run a brewery, become a professional wakeboarder, lead a company as CEO, or anything in between, she’ll grow up knowing that she can and doesn’t need to do it alone.

Thank you, Clementine, for being your mother’s daughter. As a Kindergartener, you recognized the importance of the night and never wavered in your decision to attend an event with a bunch of boring adults. As I’ve written recently, I love you for that and a million other reasons.

Jenni and Clementine watching the TeamWomen WaveMaker Awards
Jenni and Clementine watching the TeamWomen WaveMaker Awards

Thank you, Jenni, for attacking every day, taking risks, and giving our daughter a front-row seat to learn from the best. 

Maybe Jenni is right; maybe I have to say these things because I love her.

I do.

But that doesn’t mean they aren’t aren’t true.

Cheers.

Oh, My Darlin’ Clementine

“Daddy, this is so much fun,” my daughter, Clementine, said, breathing heavily as we climbed the 49 steps to the top of the water slide.

Yes. I counted them. Mind your business.

Midway through the summer, my wife, Jenni, and I discussed keeping the kids home from daycare before school started. 

The prospect of saving money by not having them in daycare was more than enough to get me interested.

If you don’t have kids or don’t live in, well, the United States of America, you may be wondering, what does it cost each week to have a five—and eight-year-old attend daycare in the summer?

$484.19.

I know that number by heart, and writing it still takes my breath away. 

Jenni’s primary concern, however, had little to do with our money.

“I just think it’s a great opportunity for you to spend time with the kids since you might not have free time like this again.”

I guess staring at a blank screen, hoping for inspiration to strike, counts as free time these days…

We decided to give the kids some extra fun in the last week of summer before school. 

Cha-ching.

“It’s a good opportunity to adjust our bedtime so we are in a better routine when school actually starts,” I suggested to my wife one evening while feeling incredibly confident about my parenting ability.

Ah, the lies we tell ourselves.

On the recommendation of my eight-year-old son, Jude, I decided we would go to Summerland Family Fun Park. He had been there on a summer field trip, and he assured me Clementine would love it. The park has a waterslide, go-karts, mini-golf, and bumper boats, all run by teenagers who, for the most part, seemed unconcerned with park rules. 

You’ve seen it before. It’s the place where you say, “Maybe next time,” to your kids when you drive by it on the highway. 

A quick Google search showed me that admission to the park was $7.50, so I figured it’d be perfect for the hottest day in August.

Once inside, it was clear the admission fee was a bait-and-switch – everything was a la carte.

I stood looking at the prices for all the activities, attempting to do the quick math, when my wife’s voice popped into my head like a guardian angel.

“You’re not in a rush,” her angelic voice rang in my head. 

I must’ve blacked out because the next thing I knew, I was tapping my credit card to pay $148.89. Not bad for three hours of fun, right? Right?! But it’s not just the price. Every tap of the card feels like a trade-off, a decision about where to invest these fleeting moments. Before they’re too old to want to go on water slides with me, time with my kids makes a hundred and fifty bucks feel insignificant. 

We walked into the park, $335.30 in the black, and found a table for our things. 

Whenever I take my kids to fun places alone, I can’t shake the feeling people think I’m a divorced Dad.Sonaturally, I am forced to overcompensate.

“Mommy is going to be so proud of me when we get home to her,” I said in a raised voice to my kids as I slathered them with sunscreen. 

It’s funny how our insecurities come out to play sometimes.

Putting sunscreen on kids at the bottom of a waterslide is like trying to keep two cats in a bathtub. I wanted to ensure I was with Clementine before she got near the water since she is a new swimmer and because, well, she’s my baby girl who needs me by her side.

“Do you want to go down together for the first time?” I asked her as we climbed the steps to the top of the slide.

“No, thanks,” she said, running ahead of me up the stairs, utterly sure of herself.

Since Jude was first in line, I told him to wait for Clementine at the bottom to ensure she got to the pool’s stairs okay. 

When the lifeguard gave her the all-clear, Clementine looked at me. She wasn’t asking for permission – just checking on me.

“All good?” I asked with a smile.

She gave me her trademark thumbs-up and wink before launching herself down the waterslide.  My heart swelled with pride at her bravery. 

I waited at the top, watching her shoot out of the bottom. Of course, she made it to the stairs like she’d done it a thousand times before.

I stepped up and went down the slide to catch up with her.

If you haven’t been on a waterslide lately, do it. I promise you can’t make it down without smiling or feeling that burst of joy in your chest. 

As I came around the final corner of the water slide, my adorable baby girl sat in the water on the pool steps, waiting for me. Her face lit up with a smile from ear to ear, and a faint pang of recognition hit me square in the chest. 

My daughter looked familiar, but not just because she carries half of my DNA. It was different, like when a stranger’s face catches your eye at a crowded event, and for a second, they seem like someone you know. However, after you let your gaze hold for a moment, the recognition slips through your fingertips like trying to remember a dream.

We went down that slide a hundred more times, and every trip up the stairs, she couldn’t stop talking about the fun:

“Daddy, this is so much fun.”

“This is the best waterslide ever.”

“You’re the best Daddy.”

“This is the best waterslide ever.”

“I love going down the waterslide with you.” 

“Who built this waterslide? Because they did a really good job.”

With every burst of joy she shared, I felt that familiar pang in my chest again, like something I was on the verge of understanding. I shook it off as an odd case of Deja Vu. 

As we left the park, hot and exhausted, I silently thanked Jenni. She was right. Those three hours at the park riding waterslides, playing mini golf, and riding go-karts were reason enough to keep them home for the week. 

A few days later, walking from our tailgate at the first Minnesota Gophers football game of the season, soaked from the rain, I snapped some candid shots of Clementine, expecting her usual cute smile in her Gopher cheerleader outfit. 

Instead, I got a runway model attitude and strut, which made her look ten years older. 

  • Clementine at Huntington Bank Stadium | Oh, My Darlin' | www.timtalks.net
  • Clementine at Huntington Bank Stadium | Oh, My Darlin' | www.timtalks.netClementine at Huntington Bank Stadium | Oh, My Darlin' | www.timtalks.net
  • Clementine at Huntington Bank Stadium | Oh, My Darlin' | www.timtalks.net
  • Clementine at Huntington Bank Stadium | Oh, My Darlin' | www.timtalks.net

There’s that pang again, I thought as I snapped pictures. 

When the photoshoot concluded, I looked at the pictures, hoping for a clue as to what had brought that odd feeling of familiarity, but I came up with nothing. 

On her first day of Kindergarten, her joy was infectious. It reminded me of how I used to feel on the first day of school – that Christmas morning vibe full of unknowns and endless possibilities.

From the moment she came downstairs in her orange-patterned dress (Get it? Because her name is Clementine), the pang in my chest lingered until we watched her walk into school.

If reincarnation were my thing, I’d swear that pang meant I knew her in another life.

Of course, I spent my morning crying as I worried about her being lonely, or homesick, or scared, or nervous, or, or, or… 

When she got off the bus, I realized all my tears and worries were for nothing. The pang in my chest returned as she smiled and waved, but this time, it felt more real. Less like a fleeting dream, more like a name you can’t quite get off the tip of your tongue.

On her second day of Kindergarten, we were a little more rushed to get out in time for the bus.

Jenni and I followed our children, backpacks bouncing on their shoulders, out into the cool September morning air to wait for the bus. 

We expected the kids to stop and wait with us on the step, just like the first day. The third grader, Jude, didn’t want to do that, so he gestured for his little sister to follow him to the bus stop. He didn’t do it impatiently; he did it with the calm confidence of the stellar big brother he’s been for the past five and a half years.

Tears start to sting my eyes.

Clementine didn’t think twice. She walked right past as I said, “Alright, have a great second day of Kindergarten, baby girl.”

“She didn’t even say goodbye,” Jenni said, looking at me with mock anguish.

And just like that, I understood the pang – like solving a riddle, it suddenly seemed so obvious. The feeling of familiarity was no longer a mystery.

The source of that familiarity stood right next to me as we watched our kids walk to the bus stop.

My daughter’s smile, enthusiasm, confidence, and bravery are the same things I fell in love with when I was fifteen. 

Tears fell as I saw Jenni’s reflection in our daughter. But unlike her first day, only a few tears fell this time, I knew there was nothing to worry about. She got the good stuff from my wife—the magic. 

The magic of a little girl who knows there are no limits to what she can do – not because she’s told, but because her mother shows her how to be undeniable.

Her answer to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” says it all.

“A firefighter, construction worker, dancer, swimmer, and fashion model.” 

She’ll be busy, but I have no doubt she’ll do it all.

You shouldn’t either.

Cheers.

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My Front Row Seat

If you have been watching The Kids Are In Bedyou understand that bedtime has been a battle for my wife, Jenni, and me. I am not one to compare myself to other people regarding parenting. I have little interest in how people choose to attack the day-to-day challenges that come with raising children. It’s not that I think I know better. Instead, countless independent variables vary due to numerous factors. 

I am the independent variable that led to the bedtime trouble in our house. 

There was a day Jenni informed me our son would start falling asleep by himself when he was four. I almost cried hearing this news. While I want the best for my children, I am selfish with my time with them now. I know that the clock is counting down, far too quickly, to the day Jenni and I cease to be the sun they orbit.

When Jenni suggested we read a couple of stories to my son and leave the room for the night, all I saw was the vast, infinitely expanding universe awaiting the tangential path my kids would be slung into when they exited our orbit. 

Some moments catch me off guard and highlight how quickly my children are growing up. It’s not the milestone moments. It’s the little things that only a parent can notice in their child. New words popping up in their vocabulary or the ability to put on their own shoes are the things that steal my breath and put a lump in my throat. 

Determined to right my wrongs with bedtime, I have been working on keeping a stiff upper lip with my daughter. My five-year-old daughter doesn’t run out of her bedroom, down the stairs, and out into the street when we tell her it’s time to go to sleep, as her brother did. Rather, she has the unique ability to lie in bed in the dark with her eyes closed for hours without falling asleep. 

It is beyond maddening.

Because of her resolve to show off this talent, we informed her daycare that we didn’t want her napping during the day. As a result, my daughter began falling asleep in as little as twenty minutes some nights. 

We were rounding the final turn and could see the finish line when a new teacher took over her class. Jenni sent her a message a little after midnight on a night our daughter didn’t fall asleep until after 11:00 PM. She asked the new teacher not to put our daughter to sleep at naptime. I had pegged this new instructor as the zealous type, so after Jenni sent the message off, I asked, “What are you going to do when she responds tonight?”

Jenni laughed at the question. Ten minutes later, we got a long reply that suggested she would not honor our request. After a few more days of late bedtimes and inside information from our daughter about what happens at nap time, it was clear our request had fallen on deaf ears. 

On a typical day, I take both of our children to school, allowing Jenni to get out of the house and make her commute to work. This morning, my daughter requested that Jenni take her to school so she could talk to the teacher about what was happening at nap time. 

I felt like a batter being called back to the dugout, replaced by a pinch-hitter in the bottom of the ninth with the game on the line. In other words, it stung. As the sting began to retreat, shame-filled its space. 

As her father, she should be asking for me to have a serious conversation with her teacher.

Since I am on a mission to get to the bottom of why I allow almost every scenario to lead to anxiety and self-loathing, I caught my thought, and I asked myself a simple question: 

Why do you think that?

It’s the same question I would ask a friend confiding in me if I heard them say something that didn’t make much sense.

Driving home from dropping my son off at school, I smiled. I smiled because I wasn’t on the receiving end of my wife’s serious conversation. I was relieved not to be responsible for initiating the discussion. More than anything, I was proud—proud of my daughter for recognizing Jenni as the right person for the job and asking for what she thought was best for her.

The answer to my simple question began to form in front of me.  

Since I quit my job and have been pretending to be whatever I have been for the past four months, I have been battling the societal pressures that have been challenging my masculinity. Throughout the spring, I have been called a house husband and given tips on organizing the house’s daily upkeep. I’ve seen the judgment in the eyes of people I have talked to about my chosen path. I also hear the imaginary opinions I have crafted from everyone I have ever known. 

As a male, I am supposed to work and make money, to be handy, and to be stoic. 

As I write this, my new venture has earned me $6.68. Jenni has called me handsy many times but never called me handy unless the statement was dripping with sarcasm. If you Google “stoic antonyms,” you will find the following: caring, concerned, emotional, feeling, interested, and responsive. I am all of the antonyms. 

I have been programmed to believe I am supposed to be something I can never be. 

Like my teenage self in an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room, I have been trying to fit into something that will never fit, no matter how much I suck in. 

According to an annual Gallup poll that asks Americans whether they are satisfied or dissatisfied with their personal lives, we are near a record low. Of course, people who make the most money are also the happiest. I imagine some people report being happy because, on paper, they should be. Yet, if you got them to have an honest conversation, they would tell you about what they’d rather be doing for free, which would make them truly happy. That’s nothing new.

What is new is those people’s ability to pick up their phones and scroll through videos of people doing the things they’d rather be doing while getting paid to do it. These are the people who claim all of social media is terrible. It’s far too complex to admit you’ve become a cog in a wheel and can’t get it out. 

I refuse to become an old curmudgeon who is beaten down by doing what I should do instead of what I want to do. 

I intend to write and do everything I can to influence the future Gallup polls to trend in the right direction.

I can only do that because of my wife, Jenni Severson. A woman who sees barriers as nothing more than minor obstacles in her way. I have had a front-row seat for nearly twenty-five years as I’ve watched her battle society’s expectations of what she should grow up to be. She will stand up for what is right regardless of social pressure. She is so beloved by everyone she comes into contact with that if you hear someone disparaging her, it reflects poorly on them rather than her. 

My daughter made the decision that she decisively made this morning because of her mother. 

If I could design a friend, wife, and mother in a lab, the result would be Jenni every time. However, the lab version may have a slightly better memory. 

I blame so many situations in life on my bad luck. I don’t have bad luck. I used up all my good luck when I met Jenni and would make that trade a thousand times over. 

Thanks to Jenni. We are creating a space where our children are not told they can be what they want to be; they are shown. I am happy to get out of the way so my children can take my front-row seat to watch Jenni in action.

While I’d love to say my courage and resolve led to me changing my life path by quitting my job, I can’t. Jenni saw what I couldn’t years ago, yet she kept her patience and never lost faith that I would wise up and listen to her. 

I’m listening now.

What’s more, Jenni surrounds herself with women just like her. There are people in this country who don’t want to see the Jennis of this world ascend. It’s threatening to see these exceptional people break through the patriarchal defenses that have been standing for centuries.

Those people are driven by their insecurities because, from where I sit, a world run by women like Jenni seems like paradise.

We’ll call this an early Mother’s Day piece, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thankful for my partner on this journey through life.

Cheers.

Hot Dog or Sandwich: A New Hill to Die On

On November 6, 2015, the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (NHDSC) announced an official policy I do not relish.

“Limiting the hot dog’s significance by saying it’s ‘just a sandwich’ category is like calling the Dalai Lama’ just a guy. We, therefore, choose to take a cue from a great performer and declare our namesake be a “hot dog formerly known as a sandwich,” the former NHDSC President and ‘Queen of Wien,’ Janet Riley, said in her statement.

It is unclear if Ms. Riley is still going by her royal title, as her X (formerly Twitter) account (@queenofwien) has not shown activity hot dog related or otherwise since October 2023. 

She addressed the USDA’s guidance that the hot dog, as meat between bread, falls into the sandwich category, saying, “While we thank the USDA for their careful regulation and inspection of our products, regulatory brevity is not their strength. We hope our position offers Americas some clarity and peace of mind.”

The USDA is to brevity as Ms. Riley is to picking Twitter handles. It saddens me to think of the people who thought they had finally found their kink fix on the internet, only to find another mouthpiece for ‘Big Hot Dog.’ Furthermore, it isn’t shocking to see the NHDSC thumbing its nose at the rules and regulations of the federal department in charge of keeping our food products safe for consumption.

Sandwich, as defined by Merriam-Webster, when used as a noun: a. Two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between. b. One slice of bread covered with food. Or, as a verb, to make a place for —> often used with in or between. 

Those definitions should have been, and should be, enough. Unfortunately, NHDSC decided they were better equipped than both Merriam and Webster. The hubris is overwhelming. 

An argument could be made that the shape of the hot dog is the basis of its not fitting into the sandwich category. Anyone who has run out of hot dog buns knows the pain of what to do from here. Using two slices of bread is a non-starter as there is too much bread. Slicing up the hot dog into small, evenly sized pieces to be laid out with even distribution on the bread is too much work. After all, the one-handed convenience of the hot dog is a big part of its appeal. Who doesn’t love a one-handed sandwich, ya know? 

Sooner or later, we all end up with the same solution. We take a single slice of bread, roll it around the hot dog like a faux bun, and eat it with considerably less enjoyment. This is the only scenario where we yearn for more crust. Adults and kids, it doesn’t matter; we all wish for more crust. The butts of the loaf of bread plead for us to use them just this one time, yet we hear nothing. 

The shape argument would be solid if it weren’t for the fact we have been letting the hot dog’s Italian cousin, the meatball, squirt out the bottom of our meatball… sandwiches. That’s right; the meatball is the more diverse and delicious of the spherically shaped meats, so there is no issue with being known as part of the sandwich community. As a matter of fact, they saw ham, salami, and pepperoni making a scene in the sandwich community and said, “Hold my balls,” as they jumped in with a swagger. 

The argument could be made that the bun hinge takes it out of the sandwich category since it is not two pieces of bread as long as the hinge holds strong. Entertaining this notion, however, means we must mention the fast-food chain with the most locations in the United States: Subway

Anyone who was sandwich-eating age in the early otts or prior and went to Subway may remember the U-Gouge. The U-Gouge technique removed the top of the bread, leaving behind what looked like an oversized hot dog bun, which held in the sandwich ingredients more efficiently. Subway used this sandwich-cutting method for forty years before transitioning to the hinge-cut method.

According to Subway, a poll of their customers found that 97% preferred the hinge cut to the U-Gouge method. In no way am I trying to suggest that the NHDSC had anything to do with the results of this poll. However, I defy you to find a topic on which you could find a representative sample of Americans who agree so overwhelmingly on any subject. 

Is it possible the groundwork was laid a decade before the NHDSC’s controversial announcement? Did they want to see the hinge cut become standard, knowing the thin hinge of the bread would rarely stay intact over the entire time of sandwich consumption, resulting in separate pieces of bread so we would be conditioned to lay down and accept the outlandish claim that a hot dog served in a bun is not a sandwich?

There used to be a bar called Williams in the Uptown neighborhood of Minneapolis. They kept a hot dog cart inside the front door for late-night eats. One of their specialty hot dogs was a Reuben Dog. Many nights in my mid- to late twenties, the Reuben Dog saved my life. 

I told my friends I was going to the restroom one night at Williams. I waited until the right moment to make my break to the hot dog cart. I ordered a Reuben Dog, went out into the frigid night, and ate my Reuben Dog in the dark alley next to the bar. What happened between me and the Reuben Dog that night transcended eating; it was as close as I’ll get to a one-night stand in this lifetime. However, halfway through my… experience, the remaining half of my hot dog squirted out the end of the bun, landing on the snow and salt-covered ground. After a brief stare-down with the hot dog lying seductively on the ground, I decided it would not be prudent to observe the “five-second rule” and ate the remainder of what was left.

What was left?

Bread, corned beef, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut, and thousand island dressing, otherwise known as a Reuben sandwich. 

The NHDSC’s haughtiness suggests that the mere act of adding a hot dog changes the classification of a classic and revered sandwich, such as the Reuben borders on criminal. 

Speaking of classic sandwiches, we must discuss the ultimate classic American sandwich: the hamburger. You know, the beef responsible for all the juice and cheese in the empty space on the platter next to the hot dogs at every barbecue you’ve ever been to in the United States. It’s the place where we all look with disappointment before we say, “I guess I’ll just have a hot dog.” 

This is the root of the NHDSC’s official policy. Barbecue after barbecue, cookout after cookout, hot dogs get left to cool to room temperature as hungry people scoop up the self-assured hamburger instead of the vain, self-conscious hot dogs. Eventually, those hot dogs are blanketed under a loose piece of plastic wrap and placed in the refrigerator as they await their journey to their final destination: the garbage. 

Being eternally second place is challenging. People often refer to second place as the first loser, so understandably, the NHDSC got frustrated.

The NHDSC should have declared loud and clear that a hot dog is, in fact, a sandwich—and not just any sandwich, but the most unique and versatile sandwich in the world. There is no end to the different ways a hot dog can be elevated into a delicious sandwich. It’s an unfortunate missed opportunity for the hot dog.

Claiming to be something it isn’t is like someone quitting their job and claiming they’re a writer. If we are honest, it comes off as sad and a bit desperate. 

As spring turns to summer and baseball season begins the opportunities to enjoy the classic American hot dog grow. I encourage you to take a stand. Do not let big hot dog influence how you classify the dish. Instead, whether ordering at a baseball game or making your choice at your Memorial Day barbecue, I encourage you to say proudly, “I’ll have a hot dog sandwich, please.”

Cheers.

Image by Racool_studio on Freepik