OK, I had to take a break yesterday due to a hangover from trying to keep up with my parents on Saturday night. My dad’s Manhattans, while delicious, can really put a guy out of commission. Hopefully, Saturday’s story wasn’t too much and you have come back to read a little more, don’t give up on me yet! This has to at least be some good ammunition to talk about how self involved I must be to think you all want to read about things that have happened to me or what I think about anything. So, whatever your reason, I do appreciate that you are here reading again.
Today we will go a little farther back in the past and look at one of the many ridiculous things that happened to me as a child… I was a very injury prone and clumsy kid. This was probably due to the fact that I grew like a giant the first 13 years of my life and then just stopped growing, literally. I still have a pair of Doc Marten boots that I wore in 7th grade and they fit. So, I was a chubby, freckle faced, giant, awkward kid. Despite this, I was actually very coordinated so I had that… This is not to say that I had a bad childhood by any means, it was quite the opposite. But I am trying to paint a picture because it will add to the humor of what is to follow today and what I will write in the future. I had a BIG set of buck teeth as well. Oh, one last thing, I was a panzy, a wuss, a mommas boy (take a minute to gather yourself from the shock of learning this).
Summer 1995. I was 10 and on my way into 5th grade. If I remember correctly I was like 5’2″ and 120lbs, I was a big boy… I looked like Robin Williams in that movie “Jack” compared to everyone else that was my age (a little less hair on my arms and knuckles). Anyways, it was a summer day like any other, riding my Huffy candy red 10 speed all over the neighborhood with my friends. I most likely had a kool-aid stained mustache and a chocolate stain somewhere on my shirt.
There was a group of us at a neighbor’s house 2 down from my own, just hanging out in the driveway, probably shooting some hoops and listening to KCLD on a little boom box (most likely listening to TLC’s “Waterfalls”). What happened next is one of those things that I swear only happens to me. I am minding my own business and just being a kid when some sort of fly, flies directly in my ear like that’s where it lives.
Now, I don’t know if any of you have ever had a living fly inside your ear before… but at the time it was the most horrible thing that had ever happened. Because, shortly after this little friend entered my ear it seemed as though he wanted out immediately. It was buzzing and flapping its wings about every 10 seconds. Now, I would be interested to talk to the people today who witnessed what happened next to hear their perspective, but I only have my experience so I will try to interpret what they were seeing…
As soon as the bug hit my ear, my automatic response was to throw a palm strike to the outside of my ear as hard as I could. The looks on all of the kids faces was that of confusion, but they quickly thought I was just messing around. 10 seconds later, bzzzzz! It was like an electric shock to my ear drum quickly followed by, wham! Another sharp palm strike to the side of my head. Now, everyone was laughing at me (uh oh). That all too familiar lump was forming in my throat and my eyes were starting to well up due to the mixture of embarrassment and pain I was experiencing. I was determined not to cry in front of them. Bzzzz! Wham! I sprinted to my bike, hopped on and started peddling as fast as I could as the tears started to stream down my face. Bzzzz!
Since I was riding my bike and couldn’t see clearly due to the tears, I decided that I shouldn’t attempt a palm strike. By the way, I didn’t try to pick it out of my ear because I was convinced that it would burrow deeper into my head and the palm strikes were meant to kill the bug so this could not happen (seemed logical at the time). Since I couldn’t throw a palm strike now that I was on my bike, I started doing the next logical thing… yelling at the bug inside my ear. “Stop! Please, stop!” I screamed. I don’t know if my friends witnessed this part, I was not quiet so I am assuming they at least heard part of it as I rode away. Let’s examine briefly what they saw…
Out of no where, I start hitting myself in the head as hard as I can with no explanation. I run to my bike and start peddling away as fast as I can, again, no explanation. Then, I start screaming at myself through the tears as I ride away. Imagine what they must have been thinking. I have thought about this numerous times and I think the most logical thing they could have come up with was that I was pooping my pants. We were only 10, so it’s not as if they were thinking I was having some sort of mental break or that the for some reason “Waterfalls” sent me into some “Rainman”, hot water baby moment. And, they probably assumed I was yelling at my bowels over which I had lost control of suddenly…
Anyway, luckily I was only a minute from my house. I dismounted my bike on the move and sent it flying out of control into the yard as I went running up the front steps screaming for my mom. Bzzz! Wham! Bzzz! Wham!
At this point I was convinced the vile bug inside my head was determined to get to my brain. Now, only my mom would be able to describe what the scene was as I came in hitting myself in the head repeatedly trying to get out exactly what the problem was. “There’s (gasp, gasp), a (gasp, gasp), bug in my ear!” I said. Bzzz! Wham!
We got into the car quickly and were off to the clinic to see my dad to have the bug removed from my ear. Bzzz! Wham! I’m sure it was quite the sight for other people driving through Brainerd to see this hysterical chubby kid hitting himself in the side of the head while his mother was pleading to him to stop bludgeoning himself in the head.
We finally get to the clinic after what seemed like an eternity. The buzzing was now happening less frequently, which I feared the bug had mad through my ear and was on the verge of entering my brain. I sat down and as my dad looked in my ear he found…. nothing. Huh? Nothing was in my ear. I thought, how is this possible? What happened to the fly? To this day, I have no recollection of feeling the fly exit or when exactly the buzzing stopped. Since then, I have had a couple of close calls with bugs landing on or running into my ear with out actually, uh, entering me. Every time it has happened I have felt the flood of panic and I like to think that I would be more calm and try pull the bug out with my finger, but it would probably end up like, Bzzz! Wham! as I start to cry.
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