Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. This may be common knowledge for everyone but it wasn’t for me until the beginning of this summer. I think I have learned a lot this summer and I am going to feature some of these lessons in my next few posts. I needed a little time away from this to generate some good stories to embarrass myself with. So… enjoy.
Memorial Day Weekend. Jenni, my wife, and I had some friends in town for the weekend and on Sunday we had decided to go to a Twins game followed up by a late lunch at Matt’s for a Juicy Lucy (the original, don’t trust anyone who says otherwise).
Sunday was hot, very hot with no wind to speak of. Jenni and I were meeting our friends at the game so we started the day by enjoying a couple of beers on a nearby patio (the only way that we know how to beat the heat). We got to the game and found our seats in right field. When we sat down, we were lucky enough to be in the shade which is always a plus. As the game went on the sun began to find us slowly but surely.
We continued to cool/hydrate with beer as the sun seemed to be focused on us as though it was a spotlight, giving my skin that beautiful pinkish red color I have grown accustomed to every summer. I was doing everything I could to move as little as possible as I felt beads of sweat rolling down various spots on my body (you now have that image in your head, you can’t get rid of it, you are welcome).
The game finally ended in heart breaking fashion as all Minnesota sporting events tend to. We were off to Matt’s, the only problem was that the friends that were visiting didn’t have smart phones to pull up directions to the restaurant. Since they didn’t know the city and we didn’t park near each other, we were discussing the best way to lead them there (seriously, who doesn’t have a smart phone by now?)…
As we were walking out of the stadium discussing this I realized that I had to go to the bathroom, not bad but I had to go. The plaza of the stadium was busy and I figured I could wait until we got to the restaurant (I procrastinate everything in life, including my bodily functions… At least I am consistent).
Matt’s is one of those places that I know how to get to but I have a hard time giving directions to because I can never remember any street names. What wasn’t helping matters was the fact that no one was willing to make a plan and follow it. By this time I was realizing that I should have used the bathroom. The situation was becoming urgent, so I gave our friends my phone and told them to follow the directions.
Jenni and I made our way to the car. Of course, we went to the wrong level of the parking garage (this is where the hide and go seek pees kick in – see blog post “Skiing Hide and Seek” if you don’t know what the hide and go seek pees are). In about fifteen minutes, it had turned into an emergency. I had to pee, I had to pee real bad. As we were approaching the car my plan had been to make it to the nearest gas station. However, when we sat down in the car it became immediately apparent to me that option no longer existed. There was a line of cars behind us and we were on the 4th floor (funny how I can remember the level now). It was all I could think about and I had to go… immediately.
The parking garage was extremely crowded as they always are following a sporting event. Jenni had suggested that I go next to the car but there were far to many people…. I had a better idea… So I thought.
I had an empty Diet Dr. Pepper bottle in my car (don’t know why the brand is important, but I thought it would help with the story) and I had decided that it would be my, um, receptacle. I was in the driver seat and started to position myself to do what I needed to do. All the while Jenni is telling me that it is a bad idea.
I was holding the bottle with my right hand and resting my right elbow on the center console while using my left hand to, er, aim. It was time… I asked Jenni to look away and started. Everything was going fine until my elbow started wobbling on the center console.
See, when I placed my elbow I was to close to the edge. My arm was shaking, I was trying to hold it in pace but I was unable to recover. What happened next seemed to happen in slow motion. My elbow finally slipped off the center console causing the bottle to no longer catch the stream. I tried to stop, but any guy will tell you that it is not exactly like turning off a faucet.
I watched as the stream arced over the cup holders (think of a fountain – just not a beautiful one) and watched it splash on Jenni’s leg. Yes, I peed on my wife. I am not proud of this, but it happened. As the stream weakened, I also peed all over my shorts. The situation had gone from bad to worse.
I can’t describe the look on Jenni’s face when my urine hit her leg, but looking back on it now it may be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I was embarrassed, mortified and angry with myself, however, the story does not end here…
We still had to go meet our friends for lunch and my shorts were covered in my own urine. Now I needed new shorts. I took my wet shorts off right away and put them down by the vent in a futile attempt to dry them out. I was driving my car in boxer shorts After a bit of arguing, Jenni convinced me that the best solution was to go to the Macy’s downtown. We decided that I would drop her off and she would go buy me a new pair of shorts (what a wife!).
Luckily (or so I thought), I found a spot right across the street from the store where I could stop… it wasn’t legal to park there so I turned on my hazard lights and decided I would move if I saw a cop approaching. I told Jenni if that happened I would just circle the block until she got out of the store. We were in a bit of a hurry so she threw the door open and jumped out. I can’t explain how what happened next happened, but it did… In another moment that seemed to happen in slow motion.
As Jenni jumped out of the car and as she did so the heel of her sandal somehow hooked my shorts and tossed them on to the curb where hundreds of people were walking that had also just left the baseball game. I tried to inform her of this, “Jenni my sho…” whoompf.
She didn’t hear me. She was gone. To make it worse, the mother of the family of six that was approaching saw this happen. I could see right away that she was going to do the right thing and help me out. They were about 25 yards away and she was altering her route towards my car.
There I was, sitting in my underwear thinking, please don’t help. Please don’t pick them up. Please just walk by. Please. Please. Please!
If you have read any of my stories you know that I would have no such luck. When she was about 10 feet away I locked my hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel (don’t ask me why) and immediately began staring left away from them out my window.
Then I hear, tap tap tap. Then a muffled, “excuse me.”
I did not flinch. It was like I thought if I didn’t move, she wouldn’t see me. I just continued to stare out the window as though the most interesting thing in the world was happening on the other side of the street.
Again, tap tap tap.
This woman was persistent but I had gone through enough embarrassment for the day and continued to stare out the window, not moving.
Again, tap tap tap.
I resorted to trying Jedi mind tricks in my head, you want to walk away… You will leave the shorts on the curb.
I don’t know how long she stood there, but it seemed like an eternity. I continued to wait for Jenni in my underwear. She finally made it back, opened the door and said, “why did you put your shorts in the street?!”
I just stared at her. It was only 4 o’clock and I had already peed on my wife and myself.
So, what do we learn from this? A few things, I think. One, if you must pee in a bottle make sure you have a Powerade or Gatorade bottle in the car with a wide mouth. Two, if you think you have to resort to this, keep a dry pair of pants or shorts in your car.
But, most importantly, never pass up a chance to use the bathroom or you will end up peeing on your wife.
Thanks for reading.