Friendship is defined as a mutual affection between two or more people.
A simplistic definition for something that’s complications are never-ending. The social media age has certainly complicated things more, as most of us now have a list of people labeled “friends” on Facebook. As time moves forward it can start to look more like a list of failed relationships.
How long it would take to break that list down into more subcategories? What would those subcategories be?
I regret nothing more than the relationships that I have let slip away. I miss those people regardless of the circumstances that have pulled us apart. As someone who has an uncanny ability to form unreasonable emotional attachment to inanimate objects (seriously, I could become a hoarder), the thought that I have lost out on conversations and experiences feels devastating at times.
The problem is, that in order to grow as a person, losing relationships is necessary. It’s like shedding so that growth can be facilitated. For that I am eternally grateful for all those relationships, as I would be neurotic mess without them (well, more so anyway). For me, though, that doesn’t make it any less devastating. If you’ve read previous posts, you know that I am constantly looking over my shoulder with fondness at the memories that have been made.
I worry. It’s what I do. Nearly every minute that I am awake, you can be sure that there is something on my mind that is making me anxious. One worry that has been pestering me lately is: am I going to lose any of the relationships that I currently have?
Unfortunately, it seems inevitable.
What makes it hard on me is that I am equally responsible for the relationship ending as the other person. And, I feel like a dick. I can honestly say, that I really don’t have bad feelings (none above a superficial level anyway) for anyone that has come and gone. Quite the opposite, actually.
I wish I would have tried harder. Made more time. Called more. Texted more. But, I am not sure that it would have made a difference.
It’s the inevitability of it. Like fighting against a current that is clearly stronger than you. You can pull at the water and kick with everything you have, but eventually you will be swept away floating with along with only the strongest of bonds.
It creates a cognitive dissonance that my brain cannot handle. While outwardly it may not be apparent, internally I am always trying to calculate a way to make as many people happy as possible. I analyze and criticize myself after every interaction I have with friends, as there are many people from my past that probably think I am a bit of a dick (they’re probably right).
The fact of the matter is that you really can only have so many friends that will hold a bond strong enough to withstand the vicious current of time. And, while it is a blessing that technology allows us to keep up to date with people who the current of time took away from us; it is also a curse that reminds us of the relationships that have been stretched, strained, weakened or lost.
My point is, that while it is our fault; it also isn’t our fault. As time carries on, we are allowed the memories of previous relationships and that just needs to be enough.
On a weekend when people will be getting together with friends and family making new memories. It is important to remember those relationships that have faded, because those are the ones that have helped you to where you are now and turned you into the person that you are.
To all of those that I don’t talk to as much as I should. I sincerely apologize, I will try harder.
To those that I don’t get a chance to talk to at all. Know that I miss you, and wish you nothing but the best because that is what you deserve.
To those of you that are avoiding me… hey, I get it and I don’t blame you.
Most of all, to the memories that have been made and to the memories that will be made…
Lots of love.