Pretty Damn Cool: Drunken Interactions with Police

With all of the negative press surrounding law enforcement lately, I thought I would lighten things up with a couple of quick stories in which police officers were pretty damn cool.

Both of these stories occurred during my freshman year of college.

Both of these stories involve me being extremely inebriated.

While I was not a danger to myself or others, the police officers in both scenarios could have handled things much differently.

Number 1 – Public Urination.

During my college career, the Minnesota Gophers football team played at the Metrodome (good riddance) downtown. My freshman year there were tailgate lots everywhere surrounding the stadium filled with drunk people before the football games. What’s more, the team had a lot of talent so the atmosphere was fun (relatively speaking of course). Hell, there was even a liquor store adjacent to the lots that would cart kegs right to your tailgate spot.

Restrooms were hard to find, however.

This led to both guys and girls getting creative with what constituted privacy for a place to piss.

On one occasion, I thought I had found a perfect spot against a building, in some bushes and in the cover of a tree.

This was good for me since I suffer from an affliction known as “stage fright.”

I had just started to go when someone shouted…

“Hey!”

I assumed a friend was attempting to scare me.

“Whaaat?” I said back with a bit of a slur. I looked to my right and realized that when analyzing my new restroom that I had only assessed the privacy in one direction. Fifty feet to my right stood two police officers on the sidewalk.

I dropped my beer directly into my stream of urine.

“Do you know what the fine is for public urination in Hennepin County?” he yelled.

You have got to be kidding me. Everybody pees outside…. I can’t stop now…

“No” I answered nervously.

“Well, I bet it’s pretty steep” he said, he and his partner laughed as they continued on their way.

Despite the crushing anxiety on my chest, I couldn’t help but laugh. They could have decided to make an example of me, but didn’t. That was pretty damn cool.

Number 2 – Drinking and Walking.

Stumbling home from a party late on Saturday night, I made my usual stop at McDonald’s around 2 AM.

I got my two double cheeseburgers and started to make my way back across campus to my dorm.

Walking drunk is hard enough. Trying to unwrap and consume a cheeseburger makes it damn near impossible.

I took a left on University Avenue and began to unwrap my burger. My head hung lazily but steadfast forward and to the right (as it always does when I am shit-faced). I focused on nothing but getting the unhealthy faux meat grease patty into my face.

I managed to dodge the fire hydrant and all of the sign posts. I battled gravity’s attempts to pull me to the ground face first and then pull me backwards on to my ass. Unusually quiet and dark, I continued slowly but surely on my way home down University Avenue.

Suddenly, everything around me was drenched in light and I was staring at my shadow.

I froze. Holding half of my burger in one hand and the bag containing my next burger in the other.

“Straighten it out” a voice boomed over a loud-speaker.

How long has he been following me? Walk. Walk straight. You can do it.

I immediately adjusted my posture like a young girl at finishing school. Honestly, I could have balanced a book on my head. I walked like a robot, deliberately and carefully placing one foot in front of the other.

“That’s better” the voice said over the loud-speaker.

And with that, the spotlight turned off and the squad car sped ahead of me down University Avenue into the night.

I looked down at the hamburger that I had now turned into a ball of grease in my fist. Took a bite and continued walking with perfect posture the rest of the way home.

So, while the actions of a few bad apples get plastered all over the news. Remember that there are officers out there that will just fuck with you when your drunk to have a laugh.

That’s pretty damn cool.

Cheers.

 

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