What Are The Odds?

Introverted-extrovert.

It sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s what I am. On top of being your standard, run-of-the-mill moron.

If you’re unfamiliar, it works like this: I gather my social energy like a bear consuming calories before hibernation. When that energy runs out, I need alone time, or as my wife and I call it, Tim Time.

When I have a full tank of social energy and find myself at a social function with cocktails, those cocktails are like adding nitrous oxide to a car engine.

For my wife, ever the extrovert, this is madness. She is eager for socializing and action.

I often find myself in trouble entertaining future plans with people in social settings.

Over the holidays, my wife’s brother told me about his plans to visit the UK in the spring for an extended stay due to a work obligation. We were having a beer, and I was filling him in on some things we did when we traveled to London a few years back.

The nostalgia overcame me. “Want to go to London in April?” I shouted to my wife in the next room.

“Absolutely!” she shouted back.

I was enjoying the fantasy of being able to make such decisions on a whim. Pretending we have the means and time to say, “Sure, we are traveling to Tennessee in the middle of April and Cabo San Lucas two weeks later. But what the hell?! Let’s book a flight to London in between.” Knowing full well we are not those people. Not yet, at least.

A week later, my wife informed me she had found a relatively cheap flight to London.

As a woman of action, my wife doesn’t understand why I would pretend to entertain plans to keep the conversation going, whether it be international vacations or getting dinner in a few months.

I despise small talk. The only topic of conversation I detest more than weather and work is people telling me about a dream they had last night. Nothing could be more boring. Instead, I drive my conversations to more fun topics, leading me to make plans I do not intend to follow through on. Drinks, dinner, concerts, and international travel (to name a few).

Despite her extroverted nature, sometimes I surpass my wife’s enthusiasm in social situations leading her to ask, “What is wrong with you?”

This question means a good conversation is, or has, taken place.

A prime example of one such instance is when we went to her company’s holiday party in December 2021.

Usually, the introvert in me would despise going to an office party with people I do not work with.

However, some working with my wife are thrilled to see me when I come around. They are happier than my family has ever been to see me.

Why? Couldn’t tell you. Do I love it? Yes.

I love it so much that I went to a Twins game for a company function a year ago without my wife. If my social energy tank is full, and I know people who find my particular brand of nonsense entertaining will be present at an event, I’ll be there.

I walked into the holiday party excited to have a fun night.

After a few cocktails, I started a conversation with a couple of guys who work on the sales side of the company. They are fun, dynamic people, and I was eager to win their approval.

They were discussing a game they played at a conference. I listened and laughed but needed clarification about the game when the story ended.

“The game is called ‘What are the odds’?” I asked, “How do you play?”

They explained. The rules are simple. Someone asks another person what the odds are they would do something. Depending on the nature of that “something,” the person will respond with “one out of X.” Once the odds are set, you count backward from three and say a number that is between one and X. If you both say the same number, the person who placed the odds needs to do the “something.”

If you need clarification, hang with me. I am confident that you will understand the game and be entertained when you finish reading.

“I want to play,” I said.

Their faces lit up like long-term prisoners seeing fresh fish entering their cell block.

“Okay, let’s see,” one said, pondering the options.

The lightbulb turned on behind his eyes as he said, “What are the odds you will grab the CEO’s ass as hard as you can?”

My wife joined our circle as he asked this. She asked what we were talking about. I informed her that I was learning a new game. Her eye roll indicated she was familiar with the game.

“One out of three,” I said, knowing fully what I was doing.

“He doesn’t understand the rules!” shouted my wife.

“I understand the rules just fine,” I told my wife. “One out of three,” I repeated.

When they asked the question, I knew immediately my odds would be one out of three, and my number would be one.

“Three, two, one,” one of them counted down.

“One!” We both said simultaneously. Laughter erupted.

I could have made my odds one in a million and said one-hundred-twenty-seven. Making it almost sure I would not have to sexually harass my wife’s CEO at the office holiday party in front of the entire company.

What fun is that?

Did I mention that my wife is in Human Resources?

“You do not have to do it,” she told me.

“Yes, he does,” the guys said in unison.

I scanned the office to find the CEO talking to an employee in a cubicle. He was standing in the corner of the cubicle, half sitting on the desk.

“Does it have to happen, right…”

“Yes,” they said in unison once again.

“Can I wait until his ass is more accessible?” I asked.

They informed me it must happen immediately.

“What is wrong with you?” my wife asked.

I walked to the cubicle, forming my plan.

I stepped into the cubicle and pretended to be looking for something.

“Are you looking for something, Tim?” the CEO asked me.

“Yeah, I think I left my phone over here,” I said.

I would like to thank The Academy…

He went back to his conversation.

I began searching behind him. He didn’t step forward like I needed him to. Instead, he just slid down the desk away from me.

Time to get aggressive, I thought.

“Sorry,” I said, placing my hand firmly on his back and moving him away from the desk. I was now positioned directly behind him.

I turned around. Reached for the CEO of my wife’s company’s right butt cheek with my right hand. I quickly grabbed and squeezed as hard as I could.

A noise of shock and horror flew from his mouth, “oooh-aaaaah-whaa?”

I let go and began my escape. I looked to the guys who had put me up to it. They were in hysterics.

As was the rest of the company, aside from my wife.

See, while I was putting on my Oscar-worthy performance looking for my “lost phone,” they decided it would be selfish to enjoy the show alone.

Word spread fast, and there were now fifty people watching and laughing.

“What are the odds?!” the CEO yelled over my head at the two who put me up to the task.

They could only nod and give a thumbs-up as they laughed.

I knew I was in the clear.

Most don’t see my introverted side. I enjoy being the person to make others laugh, especially if it is at my expense.

I have a knack for living right on the line. I enjoy taking calculated risks and keeping my toes on the line of offensive, inappropriate humor in social situations.