Letting Go

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He feels the warm morning sun on his face through the blinds in his bedroom, followed by her warmth as she presses against his back, draping her arm over his shoulder. He takes a deep breath and catches a faint scent of her perfume from yesterday. 

“I think today is the day,” she whispers, gently into his year. 

With that, his eyes open, and he is awake. He rolls over to see the bright, smiling face of his wife, Catherine, framed by her long blonde hair. He is always caught off guard by how the smallest moments remind him how lucky he is to have her in his life, convinced his heart will explode out of his chest. 

I can’t wait to tell my Dad; he is going to be thrilled, Daniel thought.

“Have you felt any contractions?” He said, trying to disguise the concern in his voice. 

“I think I felt one a little while ago. It was faint, but something tells me, today is the day,” she said with a smile, then concern flashed across her face, “Regardless, I think you need to do it today.”

“I know,” he said, rolling to his back and wiping the sleep out of his eyes. 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. You’ve been preparing, and just think, once it’s over you’ll get to meet your daug…” Catherine said, cutting herself off when she realized what she had started to say.

“Wait. Daughter? We’re going to have a baby girl?”

“Don’t be mad. When I went in for my last check, the nurse accidentally told me and…”

“Mad? Mad?! How could I be mad? We are going to have a baby girl, a little you. I have never been more excited in my entire life.” 

He gave Catherine a kiss, got out of bed, and made his way to the shower. He needed to get in touch with his Dad; the sooner, the better. 

Sharing big news with his Dad is one of his favorite things to do in life. He had a knack for providing a reaction that matched the moment’s gravity. Never underwhelmed, never too much enthusiasm, always just right. 

He smiled as he rinsed the shampoo from his hair, recalling the day he got his first hole-in-one. On a late August evening, he got off the golf course just before sunset. He ran to his car to call his Dad, ignoring the yells from his friends reminding him he had to pay for drinks inside the clubhouse.

“Hey buddy, what’s up? Your Mom and I are out for dinner in one of those restaurants that consider it rude to have a conversation above a murmur,” he whispered. 

“Oh, uh, sorry, maybe we can just talk tomorrow,” he said, hoping the disappointment wasn’t evident on his face.

“Hmmm, something tells me I want to hear this news right now.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to interrupt.”

His Dad stared at the phone with a knowing look. 

“Alright, alright. Well, I just got off the course, and I got a hole-in-one on fifteen,” Daniel said, trying to keep his voice at a respectful volume. He realized his Dad hadn’t moved as he broke the news and said, “Dad, are you there?”

Then he saw the corners of his Dad’s mouth start to curl into a smile threatening to touch his ears as he said, “Gotcha.”

Then he stood up, knocking his chair over backward. Then, in the middle of the quiet and crowded restaurant, he yelled, “Woooo! Attention everyone: my son just got his first hole-in-one, and the next round is on me. Let’s go!”

The once-silent restaurant erupted into cheers as Daniel heard his Mom attempting to tell the other customers it was a joke, but it was too late. That would go down as the day Daniel hit a hole-in-one, and his Dad ran up a two thousand dollar bar tab. 

He dressed, made himself a cup of coffee, and sighed dramatically. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to call your Dad with you, sweetheart?” His wife said. 

“Yeah. I need to do this on my own. Your focus should be on your contractions, and if anything changes…”

“Go straight to the hospital, and don’t interrupt you.”

“Very funny. I mean it. If anything changes, I want you to come get me. You and our baby, our Daughter, are all that matter today.” 

“Yes, sir,” she said with a salute.

She watched him walk into their home office and shut the door. She immediately grabbed her phone and made a call. 

“Hey, it’s me… Yes, they started about an hour ago… About 20 minutes apart… No, no, not too painful yet… Listen, he just went in to make the phone call, and I think it would go a long way if you were here when he finished… Yes, a theatrical sigh… Okay, great, see you soon,” she said, hanging up the phone. 

She stared at the closed door, hoping it would turn out better than expected.

He sits in his office, staring at the cursor hovering over the New FaceTime button, mentally preparing himself.

“You can do this,” he said to himself, finally clicking the button. 

As usual, the call connected after two and a half rings, and his Dad’s face appeared on his screen.

“Hey buddy, how’s your day going?” His Dad said.

“Good, Dad. Really good, actually.”

“That’s what I like to hear. What is making my son’s day so great this morning?”

“Catherine started having contractions about an hour ago. They are still pretty far apart, but it seems like today will be the day I meet my Daughter.”

“Daughter? Daughter? I thought we would have to wait until the baby was born to find out.” 

“Me too, Dad,” he said with a smile, “a nurse accidentally let it slip at one of Catherine’s appointments a few weeks ago. She told me this morning.”

“You know, I wanted you to be a girl. I was so sure you were a girl. I bought all sorts of pink clothes and toys and hid them from your mother. It wasn’t until you were a few weeks old that I broke the news to your Mom. The look on her face when I told her I didn’t save the receipts was priceless. Of course, I wouldn’t change a thing now. Being your Dad has been the absolute best part of my life. I am so proud of you, buddy. You’re going to be an amazing father.”

“I learned from the best,” he said, fighting back tears.

“Who? Me? Oh, c’mon, keep going,” his Dad said, beckoning his son to keep the stream of compliments flowing.

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, buddy. What’s wrong? You seem far too sad on such a special day.”

“I just, well, I’ve got to…”

“You’re nervous, aren’t you? It’s okay. I remember the day you were born. I was so sure you were a girl…”

The same story. This had become a more common occurrence and one of the primary reasons that today would be the last day he spoke to his Dad. He read his notes about how to do this properly as his Dad continued his story. 

Be direct. Don’t worry about feelings. Irrational lashing out is to be expected.

“… anyway,” his Dad continued, “I know you will be an amazing father. And I am going to be an even better Grandfather. I cannot wait to meet my Grandaughter.”

“That’s the thing, Dad. I have to tell you something.”

“Uh-oh, this doesn’t sound good.”

“You’re not going to meet her,” he said, bracing himself for the reaction.

There was a long pause as his Dad’s face cycled through emotion from devastation to fury. It looked as though all of his facial muscles were working independently of one another, trying to find the rhythm.

“I. Don’t. Understand.”

“Here’s the thing, Dad, you actually…”

“I don’t understand,” his Dad interrupted, his voice filled with anger and hurt, “how my own son. The child I raised… No, the man I raised has the balls to tell me I can’t see my own Grandaughter. Do you know what this is going to do to your mother? Did you ever stop to consider…”

“Dad, Mom is going to be fine. She will come to the hospital first thing after the baby is born.”

“So,” his Dad began, chin quivering, “I don’t get… What did I do?”

“Dad…”

“No,” his Dad interrupted through a sob, “Just tell me what I did. Tell me what I did wrong, and I will fix it. I will do whatever it takes. Please, I am begging you, buddy, don’t do this to me.” 

“Dad, I can’t… there isn’t anything,” he tried to get the words out, but the dam had burst, and tears began to stream down his cheeks. 

“Hey, buddy, don’t cry. Whatever it is, we will fix it. I’ve got your back. I’m always here for you, no matter what. You know that, right?”

“Of course. I ju- I think I hear Catherine calling for me; I’ll be right back. Just a sec.”

He walked out of the office and right out the front door. When he was on the front step, he took out his phone and dialed.

“AI Love You, how may I assist you today?” A friendly woman answered.

“Hi, this is Daniel Wilson. Will you connect me to Devon Wright, please?” 

“Just a moment,” the woman responded, placing the call on hold.

At AI Love You, we believe in love that lasts forever. Losing a loved one can take a toll on your health and well-being, but it doesn’t have to. Stay on the line, and a representative will help you keep that special someone in your life for…

Hi, this is Devon. How may I assist you today?”

“Hi, Devon, this is Daniel Wilson. I am ready to terminate my membership.”

“Hi, Mr. Wilson, I’m so sorry to hear that. Are you sure there is nothing we can do to keep your bus..”

“Save it. Like I said the last time we spoke, I am done. You took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable, and I have been stuck in this purgatory, pretending a computer program is my Dad for over a year now. I am having a baby, and I must move on with my life,” he said, trying to avoid yelling into his phone, “and now, your fancy program is making me despise my Father.”

“My apologies, Mr. Wilson, but as I explained the last time we spoke, our AI rendering of your Father has limitations. Since you never disowned him in real life, there is no data to predict how he would have reacted,” Devon explained, attempting to sound sympathetic but missing the mark.

“For the last time, I am not disowning my Father. That thing is not my Dad. I want to terminate my membership.” 

“I understand. Just bear with me one moment. My system is a little slow today… must be a Monday,” Devon said, keyboard keys clicking in the background, “aaand, just have to make sure… yep, there we go. Alright, Mr. Wilson, when you return to the call, you will now see the END MY RELATIONSHIP button. As a reminder, once you have ended the re…”

“Stop saying I am ending the relationship. Cancer killed my Dad sixteen months ago, so I am not ending the relationship with my Dad. I am terminating my membership with your company.”

“Yes. My apologies. Please remember that once your membership has been terminated, all your supplied data will be permanently deleted. There is no recovery process.”

“I understand,” Daniel said. 

“Excellent. Your account is ready to be terminated. I want to thank you for calling AI Love You. If you have the time, I would appreciate it if you would stay on the line to complete a brief surv…”

Daniel ended the call. It took every ounce of self-control not to throw his phone into the street. He took a deep breath and went back inside. 

Catherine was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking concerned.

“Hey,” he said, moving toward her with his arms open for a hug, “I’m okay. We knew this was going to be complicated. I just need a couple more minutes, then we can focus on finally meeting our baby girl.”

He gave her a kiss and walked back into the office. His Dad’s face remained on his computer screen, blinking every three seconds, expressionless. 

“Hey, buddy,” his Dad said happily when Daniel walked into view, “What took you so long?”

“Look, Dad,” Daniel said, “I need you just to listen now, no talking, okay?”

“You got it, buddy. Whoops, this doesn’t count. My lips are zipped.”

“I love you so much. I miss you every day. I hate that my Daughter will never get to meet you and have fun with you the way we did when I was little. When you died, I thought my world ended too. The world turned into this drab place of existence for me, and I was desperate to get you back. Signing up for this thing was a mistake. I see that now. I need to focus all of my attention on Catherine and our Daughter. I can’t keep talking to a ghost in my office. I want to be the Dad to her that you were to me, and losing you taught me not to waste a moment doing anything else other than watching her grow into the wonderful woman she is sure to be,” the cursor was hovering over the END MY RELATIONSHIP button, “I love you so much, Dad.”

“Not as much as I love you, buddy.”

Daniel clicked his mouse, and the call ended. A survey was on the computer screen where his Dad’s face was just moments ago.

On a scale from 1-10, how likely would you be to refer a friend to AI Love You based on your call today?

He clicked ‘1’ and put the monitor to sleep. Rubbing his eyes, he stood up from his desk, ready to meet his Daughter.

He opened the door to see his Mom waiting for him. 

“Mom? How did you…”

“Catherine called. She thought it would be a good idea if I came over, “she said, “Don’t worry, I’m not coming to the hospital until the baby is born, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

With that, he buried his face into his Mom’s shoulder and finally cried the way he should have sixteen months ago. She pulled him in tight, shushing in his ear and making him feel safe the way only a Mother can. Once he settled down, she pulled away.

“I brought you something,” she said, reaching into her purse and pulling out a flash drive. 

“What’s this?” Daniel said, grabbing the flash drive out of her hand.

“As soon as your Father got his diagnosis, he started making videos for you. We would sit in the living room reading or talking, and a thought would hit him. He would drop everything, go to the office, and record a video for you,” his Mom said, a single tear falling down her cheek, “he was so worried you would be sad, so whenever he thought of anything, stories, advice, or even just a joke, he wanted to record it so he could be there for you in case you needed him.”

After a moment to compose herself, she continued.

“I planned to give it to you the day you told me about AI Love You. It was probably a mistake, but I thought it better to let you grieve in your own way. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to get in the way. There are hundreds of videos on there, but there is one that he would want you to watch today,” his Mom said with a knowing smile. They called for Catherine to join them in the office. 

Daniel sat in front of the computer and plugged the flash drive in. He opened the folder when it appeared on his screen, and it expanded to dozens of sub-folders for different occasions. “Golf Tips” and “Don’t Do This” were some of the folder names. His Mom pointed at the folder that said: “How to Dad.” He opened the folder to over a hundred videos for parenting milestones and challenges. 

“This is the one,” his Mom said, pointing to the first video title, ‘If it’s a Girl.’

He double-clicked the video, and the Quicktime application opened. There was his Dad, his real Dad, sitting in his old office chair with a lit cigar in his mouth.

“Hey, buddy! Sho I her itsh a girl,” he said, the cigar making it hard for him to annunciate. He took it out and placed it in an ashtray as he clicked his tongue, trying to rid his mouth of the taste, “ugh, I’ll never understand why people like these things.”

Daniel looked at his Mom as they both began to laugh. 

“Congratulations, buddy. Did you know that I wanted you to be a girl? I was so sure…”

One thought on “Letting Go

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